


Let me keep spinning 'til I hit the ground

by Anonymous



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben is oblivious, Callum is struggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kidnapping, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, until he isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22946521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Callum was fine, he'd always been fine, always been the awkward dopey one, the calm in a crisis, the shoulder to cry on the good mate, good laugh, the idiot, and he was fine.Even if in the inside he's everything but, even if he's pushed his own problems down, internalized every emotion, everything he saw in the army, just push, push, push it all down.Because maybe if everyone else believes it, he will too.Or Callum suffers from PTSD and the kidnapping pushes him over the edge.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 10
Kudos: 85
Collections: anonymous





	Let me keep spinning 'til I hit the ground

**Author's Note:**

> In which Callum suffers from Post traumatic stress disorder, understandably after the whole kidnapping deal everything comes to the surface and he breaks, it's set in canon and elaborates on references from the show about his shitty dad, upbringing etc and the army.
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :)

Callum was fine.

He's always been fine, even if inside he's been everything but.

Callum was a quiet awkward kid, a harsh contrast to his older brothers wavering ways, the complete opposite of what his dad had wanted, to what his dad could ever love, he used to think that if he tried to act the way everyone wanted him to, the way that was expected of him then maybe his father wouldn't throw his small frame up against the wall, his breath heavy with alcohol, words just as bitter as the spirits,

_"You disgust me"_

_pussy_ ,

_**punch**._

_faggot_ ,

**kick**

_weak_... _pathetic_

Stuart would come rushing in, throw his father's drunk frame easily off of him and order Callum to go to his room, _stay there till I come and get ya, little bruv, alright?_

Callum would hide in his bedroom listening to the shouts and smashes, hands pressed tight over his ears, wondering why he couldn't be what his father wanted, _needed._

Sit and wonder, with his hands pressed to his ears, eyes shut, why Stuart even bothered coming to save him.

* * *

Being gay was a weakness, that's what he'd been told.

So he hid it, he hid it so well, buried it so deep that for a time he really believed he could keep it there, could live that way.

Then he joined the army.

Had a purpose, a position, a role.

Met Chris.

Chris was a breath of fresh air, he was kind, he was sweet, he was brave and he _wanted_ Callum.

Callum never told chris, couldn't, but he wanted him too.

There was the incident, the incident with little kid and mother and he hadn't done enough.

He was hit by shrapnel and discharged and Callum slipped back in to his role, he moved to Walford, lived with the Carter's, had a job, met a girl and suddenly everything seemed like it was slipping in to place.

Whitney was beautiful, she was everything a man could wish for and more and Callum loved her, he really did.

He used to lay awake at night, her next to him, ignoring the voice in his head that told him he that he loved her but he wasn't _in love_ because he wanted her happy and _maybe that's what being in love felt like, maybe that was enough._

* * *

Ben was unexpected.

And Callum was terrified.

He'd spent a childhood praying it away and pushing it down, denying denying because _I'm nothing like you, ben._

But despite what he did he couldn't ignore it, the lies, oh god, the lies, the poison he felt pump through him every time he held Whitney's hand, or discussed their future because he _knew_ , deep down, he was lying to himself, to her and she deserved better.

~~He deserved nothing.~~

* * *

Callum for the first time wasn't alone, had someone he could be his full self with, had someone who loved him for it.

And it was great.

But Callum still found himself awake at ridiculous hours, tears rolling down his face, tightening on his flushed face, swallowing down any sounds, Ben lying beside him arm slung over Callum's chest, hearing, seeing flashes of shots, fire and pain in front of him.

And Callum could swear he heard his dad's voice.

 _Weak_.

 _Pathetic_.

_Faggot_

* * *

Callum was fine, he'd always been fine, always been the awkward dopey one, the calm in a crisis, the shoulder to cry on the good mate, good laugh, the idiot, and he was fine.

Even if in the inside he's everything but, even if he's pushed his own problems down, internalized every emotion, everything he saw in the army, just _push,_ _push, push it all down._

_Because maybe if everyone else believes it, he will too._

And maybe he was kidding himself, but things seemed to be going good, he and Ben, despite everything at Christmas were going strong, Callum had managed to get himself an assessment for the police and though there was the voice in his head, shouting, that he couldn't do it, that he would fail, Ben had this unwavering belief in him, despite his original disdain for Callum's job choice, he still believed he could do it and even if just for that second - Callum let himself believe it too.

Then like everything good in Callum's life, it turned to shit.

* * *

Dark.

Cold.

Alone.

He was chained like an animal, starving, thirsty and _so_ fucking cold and alone, he was so alone that he often found himself wishing for Keanu to come back, to stay longer, even if his visits were accompanied by kicks, punches and taunts at least when Keanu was there Callum wouldn't fear he'd die alone.

Keanu made him ask for food and water, he'd only sometimes listen.

He told Callum about the money, told him if Ben payed up he'd let him go, if not he'd kill him, or leave him there to die.

He heard Ben down the phone once, when he was half conscious

_I'm getting the money._

_Let me speak to him, let me hear he's still- still there, please._

Keanu hung up.

Callum closed his eyes and hoped that Ben wouldn't be the one to find him.

Or his brother, hoped they wouldn't find him in this state, cold and lifeless on the dirty floor.

They found him, some days later lying on the hard concrete, after falling from some height while he'd made a disorientated attempt to leave, in a daze, he'd fallen in to a pit, he woke up a few times, lying there, freezing, so cold that he'd grabbed the nearest thing to weakly drape over himself, he could of sworn he heard Ben's voice, desperately calling him, cutting through the silence of whistling wind and chattering teeth.

**_Callum!?_ **

**CALLUM?!**

_"B-ben.."_

* * *

After the kidnapping he felt like he was falling apart, like everything he'd managed to push down, to ignore, was surfacing, only seconds from blowing up in his face.

Callum felt like he was hanging by a thread.

Ready to break apart any second.

But he couldn't, not now, Ben needed him whole, present and focused and he was going to be there for him.

Ben had always been deaf in one ear, ever since he was a child, the accident had taken what hearing he had and left him hearing bits and pieces, fragments of conversations, it made no difference to Callum wether he was hearing or not, he'd told Ben as much,

_..I'd still do you in a heart beat_

Callum didn't talk about the kidnap, not to anyone, didn't tell Ben that sometimes at night when Ben wrapped his arms around him, tightly, holding him close, that Callum would wake up convinced he was back in the warehouse, chains tight and restricting around his body, breath coming out in harsh gasps he'd slip off in to the bathroom, no longer worrying about silencing his cries.

Ben wouldn't hear them anyway.

Ben had his own scars from the ordeal, he got nervous when ever Callum didn't pick up his phone or respond to texts, or if he went out without saying.

_"Where were you? Don't you answer your phone!?"_

_"...I was worried"_

Or how his hands hovered when Callum grimaced from the pain of his wounds, or how his eyes would glaze over slightly when Callum removed his shirt, how his hands would shake a little at the bruises and cuts, always being so soft and gentle.

And Callum was trying to be strong, trying to push it all away, but he was struggling and he couldn't hold it back anymore, he felt like he was drowning, being pulled down, _deeper_ and _deeper_.

* * *

Ben woke up with a start, a sick feeling in his stomach, reaching out a hand he realized the bed was empty, cold to the touch.

He sat up, quickly reaching for the lamp by the bed, Callum was gone, despite the rational part of his brain telling him his boyfriend was probably off getting a drink or something or another he still felt a spike of fear, panic beacuse, _Callum_.

Why would the bed be cold if he'd only just left, where would he go off to at - glancing at the clock, _2:15._

Getting out of bed he saw a light under the bathroom door, _see, you idiot, he's fine_ he thought to himself, turning to go back to bed, but the feeling in his stomach wasn't shifting, something felt _off._

Making his way to the door he saw that it was open, "Cal? I'm coming in, alright?" 

Pushing it open he saw Callum, head in his hands, nails digging harshly into his arms, he was pale and tears were streaming down his face, he looked like he was in a sort of trance, evidently not noticing Ben had entered the room.

"Callum!?" He said, frantically making his way over to his boyfriend, grasping on to Callum's hands to stop him hurting himself further, "What's wrong?!"

"Hey, hey, your hurting yourself, stop it, cal, babe, I'm here, I'm here" he said, hands on his boyfriends face, cupping him, trying to get him to look at him, to pull him from wherever he was.

"Look at me, babe, look at me"

Ben felt his heart racing in his chest, he didn't know what to do, he could see Callum mutter something, but he _couldn't_ _hear_ it and until Callum looked at him he wouldn't be able to lip read it either.

"You need to slow down, babe, deep breath come on, I've got you, I've got you" he said pulling Callum's trembling form closer to his, foreheads touching, "it's alright, I'm here".

_I can't I can't I can't_

"Can't what, babe? You're scaring me, cal" Ben said desperately, holding on to Callum.

_I keep hearing it_

And _oh,_ suddenly everything clicked in to place, Callum didn't talk much about the army and Ben didn't ask, saw the way he would flinch away at the subject if it ever were to come up, smile fading, changing the topic as quick as possible.

"Callum, you need to breathe, alright? Need to-"

_Keanu-I, please.._

Ben felt his heart stop for a second, Ben was right here, right in front of him and Callum thought he was in that _warehouse_.

"Callum!? Look at me, look at me, I'm here, babe, I've got you, you're _safe_ , I promise, Cal, it's me, I'm right _here_ " 

He felt his heart break in his chest because he didn't _see_ , he didn't think how much everything had to of been piling up on his boyfriend, he couldn't talk about _it_ , couldn't talk about finding Callum, just lying there.

Talk about how his hands had been shaking so much that he couldn't feel a _pulse_ , not until Stuart said it was there he'd thought Callum was..been _convinced_ because he wasn't _moving._

After a while Callum seemed to come to, eyes no longer clouded and unsure, his harsh breathing had slowed to a normal rhythm, his form still trembling but he was _here._

"Callum?"

Callum nodded.

Ben pulled Callum to his chest, both holding each other as they made their way back to bed, Ben gently running his hand through Callum's sweaty, out of place hair, fixing the strands into place before placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

As they lay in bed, Callum traces a heart on Ben's chest.

Ben traces a heart on Callum's arm moments later.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the cheesy end, I couldn't resist.
> 
> Side note, I'm in no way implying Callum is suddenly 'better', they get him the help he so desperately needs, therapy etc.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, comment, kudos or what not :)


End file.
